grief of losing a spouse

Submitted by krmclu on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 12:56pm.

Spirit

I have no words - I feel so incredibly alone in my thoughts. Please tell me how to begin. 3 weeks later, and I feel like it's only worse. My daughter is to be married on Saturday. This was not his timing - not hers...certainly not mine. Please don't tell me it was God's plan. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my simple childlike faith, but I can't. I won't. I remember why I left. I can no longer define God and I won't limit God, but a definiition of some sort would sure be a comfort right now. Things just happen and we need to learn from them. Right? That's how I've dealt with things in the past, but now it's not that simple. The pain overwhelms me and overtakes reason. I don't understand. There is no understanding... only pain.

Oct 24

Loss of Husband

My husband died 2 weeks ago and I am having a hard time making myself go on. He was on hospice 6 months and had so much pain. Everyone says he is better off now no pain but I miss him so much. I find myself not wanting to go on. People say it will get better with time but what do you do right now. we were married 38 years. I really don't know how to begin to go on. We have 3 grown boys with lives of their own.I am so lost. I loved him with all my heart. People always said that we have been together so long we even started looking alike.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 10/24/2009 - 2:29pm.

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    [comment] => My husband died 2 weeks ago and I am having a hard time making myself go on. He was on hospice 6 months and had so much pain. Everyone says he is better off now no pain but I miss him so much. I find myself not wanting to go on. People say it will get better with time but what do you do right now. we were married 38 years. I really don't know how to begin to go on. We have 3 grown boys with lives of their own.I am so lost. I loved him with all my heart. People always said that we have been together so long we even started looking alike.

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Oct 19

ego/will is not in control now

For me I experienced my ego/will was not in control in my grief these past almost seven months: first I cried without end for around six months - sometimes staring out of the window for 2.5 to 3 hours at a time - and then one day the constant crying just stopped.

Having experienced that, I now feel more relaxed about letting go and allowing my spirit/higher self guide my life, because I watched as it orchestrated my functioning for all this time. Looking back now, spirit and all of the other supports I mentioned in the previous comment, helped heal and release the pain gently, gradually and very deeply - like one cradles a newborn with such loving care and devotion.

I don't want to give the impression like I'm through the grief, just what I found helpful in bearing it, because I want to handle the present how both I and my beloved husband and Soulmate would want me to.

Allow your Spirit to love and guide you ...

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/19/2009 - 9:19pm.

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    [comment] => For me I experienced my ego/will was not in control in my grief these past almost seven months:  first I cried without end for around six months - sometimes staring out of the window for 2.5 to 3 hours at a time - and then one day the constant crying just stopped.  
Having experienced that, I now feel more relaxed about letting go and allowing my spirit/higher self guide my life, because I watched as it orchestrated my functioning for all this time.  Looking back now, spirit and all of the other supports I mentioned in the previous comment, helped heal and release the pain gently, gradually and very deeply - like one cradles a newborn with such loving care and devotion.  
I don't want to give the impression like I'm through the grief, just what I found helpful in bearing it, because I want to handle the present how both I and my beloved husband and Soulmate would want me to. 
Allow your Spirit to love and guide you ...

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Oct 19

book i found helpful

to all who know profound and personal grief, love and light surround you ~

a friend recommended this book that is a lover's journey through grief to accompany those that may mourn through reverie: The Soul in Grief: Love, Death and Transformation by Robert Romanyshyn (ISBN# 1-55643-315-8 paperback. I think I found it on Amazon.com and it sells for $14.95 new but you can probably get it cheaper used.

My beloved husband and Soulmate transitioned from this life to the next very suddenly almost seven months ago. In the shock of it, I've found support from this author's similar story and the reveries of his own transition into how he is.

Each of us is a different mosaic and so no two of our journeys will probably be alike. Even so, I'll offer that I spent the first 6 months allowing myself whatever felt right to me. I cried almost all of the time and did very little in the outside world, but I also regularly (once a week) met with a professional grief counselor that also does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy -- who also knew my beloved husband and Soulmate! Many times all we do is talk about him - and that is SO-O very comforting.

I also have two people I talk with over the phone whenever I or they need to about my Soulmate - one is a family member and one is a dear friend who loved my husband like a close member of her own family! We cry on the phone whenever it comes up and we share our experiences of the signs we get from my beloved husband's Soul. Around 10 to 15 people my husband knew well have reported amazing signs from him, so we'd all recommend you to look for the signs & be open to any manner they might arise, and you'll be surprised. You'll know them when they arise, if you are open...

So books, counselors, friends, family, cry, even at some point allow yourself to laugh - because some things can be funny in life, even IF we don't feel like going on as before personally, quiet time by yourself wherever and however it comforts you, and above all, be gentle with yourself: take the mantra "good enough."

You are love/love envelopes you . . .

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/19/2009 - 8:59pm.

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    [comment] => to all who know profound and personal grief, love and light surround you ~
a friend recommended this book that is a lover's journey through grief to accompany those that may mourn through reverie: The Soul in Grief: Love, Death and Transformation by Robert Romanyshyn (ISBN# 1-55643-315-8 paperback.  I think I found it on Amazon.com and it sells for $14.95 new but you can probably get it cheaper used.
My beloved husband and Soulmate transitioned from this life to the next very suddenly almost seven months ago.  In the shock of it, I've found support from this author's similar story and the reveries of his own transition into how he is.  
Each of us is a different mosaic and so no two of our journeys will probably be alike.  Even so, I'll offer that I spent the first 6 months allowing myself whatever felt right to me.  I cried almost all of the time and did very little in the outside world, but I also regularly (once a week) met with a professional grief counselor that also does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy -- who also knew my beloved husband and Soulmate!  Many times all we do is talk about him - and that is SO-O very comforting.  
I also have two people I talk with over the phone whenever I or they need to about my Soulmate - one is a family member and one is a dear friend who loved my husband like a close member of her own family!  We cry on the phone whenever it comes up and we share our experiences of the signs we get from my beloved husband's Soul.  Around 10 to 15 people my husband knew well have reported amazing signs from him, so we'd all recommend you to look for the signs & be open to any manner they might arise, and you'll be surprised.  You'll know them when they arise, if you are open...
So books, counselors, friends, family, cry, even at some point allow yourself to laugh - because some things can be funny in life, even IF we don't feel like going on as before personally, quiet time by yourself wherever and however it comforts you, and above all, be gentle with yourself:  take the mantra "good enough."
You are love/love envelopes you . . .

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Sep 21

loss of a mother...

what can I say about this... I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say good bye to the one who brought me into this world. I never thought I would never get the chance to say I am sorry for all the ugly words and actions. I never thought I would have to make funeral arrangments for someone I loved and loved to hate. I never thought I would see them lower her into the ground. I never thought I would feel such loss and heartbreak. I never thought I would long to feel my mom next to me or to feel her arms around me. I never thought I would not ever hear her say my name. I can't even tell you how much my heart hurts. The tears come and go, some people tell me I need to start healing, but how do you move on when you never got to tell them goodbye... The tears fall, but no one hears them but me.. who can tell me how long this unbearable pain will last. How do I move on? How do I tell a child about a grandmother she will never know? so many questions so little answers...

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 5:26pm.

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Sep 17

My Husband

I was married to my husband for 37 years when cancer took him from me. I want to thank God for not leaving him suffer for a long time. He was gone in four months from the time we learned of the cancer. I keep asking myself if I couldn't of done more for him. I miss him with all my heart.

Thanks for listening.

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 09/17/2009 - 8:14pm.

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Thanks for listening.

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Sep 04

I'm sorry, too

Twenty five years I was married to my best friend, who went and died on May 7 after we gave it all we had for a very short, extremely stressful nine months. That sounds like I'm angry at him and I'm not. What I am is bewildered. I still just can't fathom that it happened, and when I look around me, I see that family and friends who love(d) us still have lives that have gone on. They hurt, but they go on. I am stopped dead in my tracks, bewildered. I've cried so hard and so long that I've dehydrated myself, and sometimes there are actually no tears left, so it's a dry sobbing I never knew existed until now.

The relief from this pain is emptiness, and the relief from the emptiness is more pain. And so it goes. I trust that at some point, somehow, I'm eventually going to feel something else, but I can't imagine what might cause that to happen.

God? What would I want with a God who ignored me as I begged for his life and has abandoned me now?

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:51am.

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    [comment] => Twenty five years I was married to my best friend, who went and died on May 7 after we gave it all we had for a very short, extremely stressful nine months.  That sounds like I'm angry at him and I'm not. What I am is bewildered.  I still just can't fathom that it happened, and when I look around me, I see that family and friends who love(d) us still have lives that have gone on.  They hurt, but they go on.  I am stopped dead in my tracks, bewildered.  I've cried so hard and so long that I've dehydrated myself, and sometimes there are actually no tears left, so it's a dry sobbing I never knew existed until now.
The relief from this pain is emptiness, and the relief from the emptiness is more pain. And so it goes.  I trust that at some point, somehow, I'm eventually going to feel something else, but I can't imagine what might cause that to happen.
God?  What would I want with a God who ignored me as I begged for his life and has abandoned me now?

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Sep 17

I know how you feel. I was

I know how you feel. I was married for 37 years and lost my husband to cancer. It has been 1 1/2 years since he has been gone. I still feel like a shell of a person. I think about him all the time. Keep your faith and that will help. I never questioned God, only asked him for help. I hope this helped you.

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 09/17/2009 - 8:32pm.

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Jul 15

I too feel weird about doing

I too feel weird about doing this but sometimes talking to strangers who really do know how you feel help. My husband died about a year and a half ago...tragically in an accident. I remember that day like it was yesterday and I can't get the emotion or picture out of my mind. I remember seeing his boss and the owner of the company at my school...and the first words out of my mouth were "I want to go too." Although I would never consider suicide, if God decided it was my time...I couldn't be happier. I've heard all the clichés and wanted to slap the people saying them...they have no idea what is inside of me...which is NOTHING...it seems as if it all went with him. I have had shingles and stress migraines...and didn't take any pain medicine because if I could feel pain...that meant there was something left inside of me that could feel...something. Physical pain distracts you from the emotional pain. Between my mother-in-law rehashing the accident with one of my husband's friends and each day coming to me with ANOTHER reason as to how she thinks it happened...or what I should be doing...I was ready to snap. I didn't let anyone read the accident reports...they are the reason I can't sleep and what replays in my mind every time I close my eyes.

My husband was my BEST friend...for 15 years we were ALWAYS together...and actually didn't get sick of each other. Today I am still angry...angry at God and sometimes even angry at my husband. I lost my best friend and my future. I had what people search their whole lives for...and it was yanked from me. What did I do to deserve this? After a year and a half, I can talk about him and smile. I do cry in private and there isn't an hour that goes by where I don't miss him and think of him. He was such an awesome person, fun-loving, and kept every day interesting and I am a better person because of him. I hate the fact that I am having to start over in my 30's and as a widow at that. I have a step-daughter who is 24...and has decided that I don't exist. I was a part of her life since she was 8 and apparently that means nothing. She has always been very selfish and NEVER took any time to be with her father (and he/we tried SO hard to make that happen). It's terrible but I can't help her with her guilt...she was never the daughter he deserved. Even though I would never say this to her. I know it in my heart. I am afraid I will lose control of my anger and let loose on her. (all of my disappointments in her and things she's done since the funeral would take another three pages!) I force myself to start making connections with people. People from high school, college, friends of friends. Some days...I don't want to get out of bed.

My husband once said that control is an illusion. You only have it when you give it up.

As you can figure...I am a talker...thanks for reading. I think this will make today a little better.

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 07/15/2009 - 2:21pm.

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    [comment] => I too feel weird about doing this but sometimes talking to strangers who really do know how you feel help.  My husband died about a year and a half ago...tragically in an accident.  I remember that day like it was yesterday and I can't get the emotion or picture out of my mind.  I remember seeing his boss and the owner of the company at my school...and the first words out of my mouth were "I want to go too."  Although I would never consider suicide, if God decided it was my time...I couldn't be happier.  I've heard all the clichés and wanted to slap the people saying them...they have no idea what is inside of me...which is NOTHING...it seems as if it all went with him. I have had shingles and stress migraines...and didn't take any pain medicine because if I could feel pain...that meant there was something left inside of me that could feel...something.  Physical pain distracts you from the emotional pain.  Between my mother-in-law rehashing the accident with one of my husband's friends and each day coming to me with ANOTHER reason as to how she thinks it happened...or what I should be doing...I was ready to snap.  I didn't let anyone read the accident reports...they are the reason I can't sleep and what replays in my mind every time I close my eyes.
My husband was my BEST friend...for 15 years we were ALWAYS together...and actually didn't get sick of each other.  Today I am still angry...angry at God and sometimes even angry at my husband.  I lost my best friend and my future.  I had what people search their whole lives for...and it was yanked from me.  What did I do to deserve this? After a year and a half, I can talk about him and smile.  I do cry in private and there isn't an hour that goes by where I don't miss him and think of him.  He was such an awesome person, fun-loving, and kept every day interesting and I am a better person because of him.  I hate the fact that I am having to start over in my 30's and as a widow at that.  I have a step-daughter who is 24...and has decided that I don't exist.  I was a part of her life since she was 8 and apparently that means nothing.  She has always been very selfish and NEVER took any time to be with her father (and he/we tried SO hard to make that happen).  It's terrible but I can't help her with her guilt...she was never the daughter he deserved.  Even though I would never say this to her.  I know it in my heart. I am afraid I will lose control of my anger and let loose on her. (all of my disappointments in her and things she's done since the funeral would take another three pages!)   I force myself to start making connections with people. People from high school, college, friends of friends.  Some days...I don't want to get out of bed.
My husband once said that control is an illusion.  You only have it when you give it up.  
As you can figure...I am a talker...thanks for reading.  I think this will make today a little better.

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Sep 12

Please go on

I recently lost one of my best friends to suicide. I knew over the years he & I had suffered with bouts of depression, but...never did he share how serious. He had many blessings, but something was not right. I wish he had reached out, I wish I could have seen his pain and helped. The shock has subsided very little. What to say to his wife? I am so sorry, but I don't fully understand. I can't. They were best friends, too.
It was easy to see over the years of our friendship--20+. I can truly tell you that I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that when people don't know the right thing to say, they still 'talk' and it comes out wrong. People handle grief in so many different ways. I have read and believe that sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to reach out to others. I won't say I know who that should be...but please try to go on with your life. Don't forget, don't refuse to accept, don't stay angry, don't let yourself deteriorate, find yourself today, with all your life's experiences and please go on. Love yourself enough to go on. Maybe one day you can search for opportunities to help others in pain or need and offer hope. Please review the Thread Project.com. Reciprocity--reach out to someone less fortunate, because there are always others hurting who really need you, too.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 09/12/2009 - 9:46am.

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    [comment] => I recently lost one of my best friends to suicide.  I knew over the years he & I had suffered with bouts of depression, but...never did he share how serious.  He had many blessings, but something was not right.  I wish he had reached out, I wish I could have seen his pain and helped.  The shock has subsided very little.  What to say to his wife?  I am so sorry, but I don't fully understand. I can't.  They were best friends, too.

It was easy to see over the years of our friendship--20+. I can truly tell you that I am sorry for your loss.  I am also sorry that when people don't know the right thing to say, they still 'talk' and it comes out wrong. People handle grief in so many different ways.  I have read and believe that sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to reach out to others.  I won't say I know who that should be...but please try to go on with your life.  Don't forget, don't refuse to accept, don't stay angry, don't let yourself deteriorate, find yourself today, with all your life's experiences and please go on.  Love yourself enough to go on.   Maybe one day you can search for opportunities to help others in pain or need and offer hope.  Please review the Thread Project.com.  Reciprocity--reach out to someone less fortunate, because there are always others hurting who really need you, too.

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Aug 20

WEIRD

I lost my husband 7 years ago and can relate to your pain as nothingness inside. My only comment on this is it gets better as the years pass- I have learned to put space around the pain and hurt. I am a different person now than when i started this journey of loss. I have come out the other side as a stronger more open person.I now know that life is indeed impermanent and we just are not ready for it in the form of losing a spouse. What lesson have I learned? No matter what happens I still have the me inside me that is connected to everything and body in the universe. Peace

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 12:44pm.

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    [comment] => I lost my husband 7 years ago and can relate to your pain as nothingness inside. My only comment on this is it gets better as the years pass- I have learned to put space around the pain and hurt. I am a different person now than when i started this journey of loss.  I have come out the other side as a stronger more open person.I now know that life is indeed impermanent and we just are not ready for it in the form of losing a spouse. What lesson have I learned? No matter what happens I still have the me inside me that is connected to everything and body in the universe.   Peace

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Aug 10

Hello I Feel Weird...

I read your letter and I could have written it myself. Sadly I am in the same boat as you are. I just lost my husband of 14 years who was my soul mate/best friend. My loss was also unexpected and sudden though I lost Dennis to a heart attack. I am feeling all the things you wrote about so clearly and like you do not know where to turn or how to get through each day.

I am glad you mentioned the control issue because until this loss I deluded myself into thinking I had some control over my life and my future. I thought if I acted appropriately and was responsible I could dictate how my life would turn out. Suddenly I find myself completely at the mercy of the world around me; up is down and visa versus. Even though I was an independent person prior to meeting my husband I feel like a child trying to walk for the first time. Sum it up... it is awlful.

I probably shouldn't be writing you because I am probably making it worse but I did want you to know that you are not alone. There are others going through the same pain and surviving (somehow). Like you suicide is out of the question so I have no choice but to muddle through. If you want someone to rant at or with I am here. I love to talk and exchange ideas so let me know
smiggie

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 08/10/2009 - 7:06pm.

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    [comment] => I read your letter and I could have written it myself. Sadly I am in the same boat as you are. I just lost my husband of 14 years who was my soul mate/best friend. My loss was also unexpected and sudden though I lost Dennis to a heart attack. I am feeling all the things you wrote about so clearly and like you do not know where to turn or how to get through each day.
I am glad you mentioned the control issue because until this loss I deluded myself into thinking I had some control over my life and my future. I thought if I acted appropriately and was responsible I could dictate how my life would turn out. Suddenly I find myself completely at the mercy of the world around me; up is down and visa versus. Even though I was an independent person prior to meeting my husband I feel like a child trying to walk for the first time. Sum it up... it is awlful.
I probably shouldn't be writing you because I am probably making it worse but I did want you to know that you are not alone. There are others going through the same pain and surviving (somehow). Like you suicide is out of the question so I have no choice but to muddle through. If you want someone to rant at or with I am here. I love to talk and exchange ideas so let me know

smiggie

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Jul 14

My condolences on your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what you are feeling at this time. Grief is personal. I would encourage you to feel what you feel. The pain is real and you need to go through it.

You might want to journey for a time with a grief counselor. That might be helpful. I really don't know what to say. Do know that we are listening (reading) to you, thinking of you and sharing our love and energy to you!

Sincerely!

Submitted by Harpoinseoul on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 10:54am.

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You might want to journey for a time with a grief counselor. That might be helpful. I really don't know what to say. Do know that we are listening (reading) to you, thinking of you and sharing our love and energy to you!
Sincerely!

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Jun 10

thank you - please continue to be there for me

thank you so much - please continue to reach out to me - please be the energy that I don't have. I'm not good at asking for help - I'm not good at allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable. I've been finding myself hugging strangers very tightly - squeezing any hand that stretches out to me - crying all over myself and anyone who is near by. Maybe I just want the world to know how much I miss him and how much pain i have - maybe I need someone else to tell me it's ok - that I'm ok - that I will eventually feel like I deserve happiness again. I trust this site - the magazine has been a source of comfort to me for years - I need to trust in someone, something. I'm stumbling around searching for answers, googling things like spouse, grief, death... I'm usually prety good at finding words and organizing my thoughts but now pain is all there is. I'm trying not to let this be all about me.... In the past few years, I've been trying hard to both let go of "me" as well as to find "me" - it's seems like such a contradiction, and now this on top of it. I will remember my husband as being the life of the party - the funny guy - the one who liked to make people laugh - the one who always had something to say - the one who got my bath water ready for me each morning and who took me, a grown woman, to the zoo, top petting zoos, to farmer's markets, and who drove slowly past a chicken coop because he knew I dreamt of having chickens... the one who put up with cats and rabbits and guinea pigs and who joked about us having to be re-zoned some day - the one who had the health problems all his life but always appeared to be so strong and healthy to everyone who knew him - the one who showed me his insecurities whether he tried to or not - I know now that even moreso than me being strong for him, he was the one who was strong for me.... getting annoyed with him kept me strong in some way... I remember him as the one who said I love you more often than I said it to him. I'm so sorry for not saying I love you more. I'm so so sorry that your body had to leave... You loved life - you loved life far more than I ever dared to. I trust your wish of becoming "fish food" when you passed, has made you smile. Soon after you were laid down in the pool of tiny fish, during high tide nonetheless, I saw a black duck swim up to the surface of the water - apparently from out of no where --- as we were walking back, I saw the same bird gobbling up a fish. You are part of the gulf, the earth, and the universe forever. Your spirit is with me but all I can feel right now is the pain and emptiness and a deepening black hole. I am so so sorry. And again I feel vulnerable and insecure and like I've opened up too much. This would make him very uncomfortable.. he'd want this to be private - but the pain is unbearable - I can't do it alone. I cry out to God for help - quietly - with no words. Some day soon I'll be angry - I can feel it building up - but not yet - not now.

Submitted by krmclu on Wed, 06/10/2009 - 2:50pm.

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Jun 12

Thanks so much for sharing this.

What a beautiful man. I am so glad you experienced such love. The image of the bird gobbling up a fish is memorable. 'You are part of the gulf, the earth, and the universe forever.' Keep sharing and releasing your grief. I will keep sending you love.

Submitted by Gala on Fri, 06/12/2009 - 3:08am.

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Jun 09

Sending You Love

If this were my grief, I would really rest and settle into the open hearts in this forum. I would feel free to post as many memories of my spouse as I could if I felt ready to and any dreams that come up in my time of grief. I would find a shoulder to cry on every day while they just listened to me and stroked my head. I find that crying helps bring back reason even though it all takes time.

Thanks for reaching out. I will keep sending you and your family love energy and many congratulations to you and your daughter on her upcoming marriage.

Submitted by Gala on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 5:44pm.

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Thanks for reaching out.  I will keep sending you and your family love energy and many congratulations to you and your daughter on her upcoming marriage.

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Jun 10

thank you

thank you so very much - this seems impossible right now. thank you for listening and reaching out to me.

Submitted by krmclu on Wed, 06/10/2009 - 2:54pm.

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Jun 12

My Pleasure

I know how lonely grief can be.

Submitted by Gala on Fri, 06/12/2009 - 3:09am.

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Jun 09

I am so sorry

for your loss. I extend my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

In my dream of your dream, I hear your plea to try to understand why this happened and God's role in this as a plan.

Like you, I am not comfortable at all with God's plan in anyone's death. To me, it just doesn't make any sense.

I don't think there are any words that anyone can say that will ease the pain. In fact, I have learned not to say any words -- there are none. Except to express love and caring and healing energy -- and to listen.

It was easy to define God as a child -- but not so today as I grow older.

I don't know what anyone learns from death except to live NOW and to hug more now, to laugh more now...and so on. So, if it were my daughter getting married on Saturday, I would laugh more hug, her tighter, smile more braodly for me and my loved one -- even though I walk with great pain.

Submitted by Moontide on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 4:43pm.

Jun 10

thank you

thank you - thank you

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